And yeah, by the way, I have changed it to Mommy 101 and Mommy's Blues, as I find the blues in me more than her.
10 Events Confirmed You're a Paranoid New Mommy
- The first night she is home with me, I rushed out from the room crying that the baby is not breathing in her sleep.
- First 2 months, every heave and sigh makes me jump up on my toes peering into the cot to see if she's ok.
- Next 2 months, she was given an anklet that rings with every move (not that I could miss even a movement of hers while asleep). I hear the ringing allllllllll......... the time. Day and night.
- I dare not walk near window or balcony while carrying her, fearing somehow losing grip of her.
- I dare not walk anywhere nearer than 2 metres away from anybody, afraid that they might accidentally knock on her.
- The first time she threw up, I was worried sick and called up all relatives and friends to get assurance that it is normal.
- When she was having nose block (which is again quite common among babies), I brought her to knock on paediatrician the first thing in the morning to make him convince me that she does not have flu/virus/ear infection.
- I'd be hollering across the room if another kid simply raise a finger near her.
- When I realise she has some skin discoloration around her neck, again I gave the paediatrician an early visit to confirm that it is not any serious skin disease. Apparently, this is again common among babies (so many things common?).
- I fell down once when I was holding her. I bruised my knees and elbows. But I don't remember any pain except in my heart, while busy checking if my baby is hurt anywhere. My hands and legs went cold and shaking, not because of the fall but the shock of almost hurting my baby. It took me some time to cool down and reassured myself that I am still a good mommy.
But none of the above can beat this classic : I remember going into the room one night and she woke up to greet me. I went over to touch her. I raised her right hand but her hand simply drop lifelessly. I picked up and let it drop a few times and her hands simply fell limply. I shouted for Ben and told him her hand is dislocated. Ben ran into the room only to see her sniggering with her right hand waving in the air.
And despite all these, I miss the time I was holding her in my arms. I miss staring at her while she sleeps and the awestruck feeling that this baby came out from my tummy.
Though it is not yet 1 year, there are already so many things gone by that I could not go back to. But I am glad to say that I never miss a thing.
p/s : I am not mental, just hormone imbalance. Anyway, the paranoia subsides with time. At least most of them does go away. The heavy responsibility of a life within my hands is forever etched in my heart.