The road not taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost (1874–1963) ~
Source: Courtesy of Mr GC Chong

Where's the line? If only you could just hold on a little longer..

I was in my car when I heard of the news that another Korean actor committed suicide. I do not know why but whenever I heard or read of a person's demise due to suicide, I felt disturbed all over. I thought I was angry that these people just gave up their life when there are so many others that have to fight so hard just to breath. But another side of me also realise that I felt for them. I am sorry that they did not manage to hold on just a little longer. If they had just grit their teeth and let the minute or the seconds past, things would have been ok. I know because I'd often pass through the darkest hours and live through to see another day to remind myself that there is a purpose for my existence here. If not for myself, then for my closest family, my loved ones. And if I have more strength, I would try to extend my love for those who needed me.
Some people say suicide is selfish. Yes because the act left a void and aches in the hearts' of those who loved us. But at times, it is the helplessness, the feeling that they have failed their loved ones that drove them to cross that boundary. The line that's drawn between the 2 extremes is so vague that you might just overstep. And it was at those moments of insanity or sensitivity that we lose the grip of life. That's when the fragile grains of life slip through our fingers...
It's hard to choose to live, just as hard for those who choose to leave the living. It's even harder to see the pain of those that they leave behind. For those who might face the same demons at the darkest hours, reflect the faces of your loved ones to draw strength to fight the demons in your heart. For those who lost their loved ones in suicides, please forgive them and understand that there are just times that they themselves were lost and they did not know what they were doing until it was too late. And for those who might have friends or loved ones that are fighting the demons, all you can do is love them and hope that your love will shine through to their hearts. And for the rest of the world, maybe just a little understanding.
The world is a harsh place. Life is hard. If you are facing the demons of love and hatred, anger and confusion. Try your best to love yourself. Forgive yourself. And let that feeling flow to others. Forgive them for their harsh ignorance of your fragile soul. Or just let the song Vincent soothe your heartaches, but don't loose the grip. Don Mclean was right to sing that "they don't understand.. and they never will.."

Mommy 101 : I love you like I never loved before!

Chinese New Year is coming again. There is so many things to plan and do. But the objective remained the same : "I am a proud mommy of you, baby!".

Life can never be more defined. I'd live for you, and I'd die for you.

Seeing your smile is enough to make my day.

Thinking of you is enough to keep me going even the hardest path.

You are truly the sunshine of my life!

Mommy 101 : Taking care of baby is a breeze (time that is...)

I do not over stressed this enough. Time seriously zooms by, even flying is too slow.
And yeah, by the way, I have changed it to Mommy 101 and Mommy's Blues, as I find the blues in me more than her.
10 Events Confirmed You're a Paranoid New Mommy

1. The first night she is home with me, I rushed out from the room crying that the baby is not breathing in her sleep.
2. First 2 months, every heave and sigh makes me jump up on my toes peering into the cot to see if she's ok.
3. Next 2 months, she was given an anklet that rings with every move (not that I could miss even a movement of hers while asleep). I hear the ringing allllllllll......... the time. Day and night.
4. I dare not walk near window or balcony while carrying her, fearing somehow losing grip of her.
5. I dare not walk anywhere nearer than 2 metres away from anybody, afraid that they might accidentally knock on her.
6. The first time she threw up, I was worried sick and called up all relatives and friends to get assurance that it is normal.
7. When she was having nose block (which is again quite common among babies), I brought her to knock on paediatrician the first thing in the morning to make him convince me that she does not have flu/virus/ear infection.
8. I'd be hollering across the room if another kid simply raise a finger near her.
9. When I realise she has some skin discoloration around her neck, again I gave the paediatrician an early visit to confirm that it is not any serious skin disease. Apparently, this is again common among babies (so many things common?).
10. I fell down once when I was holding her. I bruised my knees and elbows. But I don't remember any pain except in my heart, while busy checking if my baby is hurt anywhere. My hands and legs went cold and shaking, not because of the fall but the shock of almost hurting my baby. It took me some time to cool down and reassured myself that I am still a good mommy.

But none of the above can beat this classic : I remember going into the room one night and she woke up to greet me. I went over to touch her. I raised her right hand but her hand simply drop lifelessly. I picked up and let it drop a few times and her hands simply fell limply. I shouted for Ben and told him her hand is dislocated. Ben ran into the room only to see her sniggering with her right hand waving in the air.

And despite all these, I miss the time I was holding her in my arms. I miss staring at her while she sleeps and the awestruck feeling that this baby came out from my tummy.

Though it is not yet 1 year, there are already so many things gone by that I could not go back to. But I am glad to say that I never miss a thing.

p/s : I am not mental, just hormone imbalance. Anyway, the paranoia subsides with time. At least most of them does go away. The heavy responsibility of a life within my hands is forever etched in my heart.

How is this possible?

Mixed feelings? I guess so.. It sounded over-emotional when a fellow participant gave a farewell and thank you speech, but as the time advances, it seems harder to take the next step.

Tomorrow is gonna be a rush and make sure I catch the flight on time. When reach home, first thing was to take my bath (cleanse any possible germs) before hugging my loved ones.

And then, there will be no "me" time until god knows when.

It's kind of sad that I have to go back to all those frenzies and losing opportunities to get in touch with myself. The freedom to do what I want to do and do when I want to do..

But I miss them. Eventhough I know that I will be seeing them tomorrow, it doesn't ease the excruciating yearning for their smell, their laughter, their touch, their voice, their faces...

...love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

~ Gibran~

Source : Courtesy of Mr Chong G. C.

Starry Starry Night...

It's been a long while since I last get time off on my own. Being at a foreign land with all concerns far far away, I found that voice within me again. That tiny little crazy thing that's struggling all the time. Always questioning self, existence, rationales, living and dying. It's not always vocal, while I followed the crowd through the mundane buzzings from one place to another, earning a pittance in search of better comfort for my loved ones.
It's a struggle because I know I am an extremist. I'd love to live a life that's full, but what do I want to fill into this void? Having a loving family? Having wonderful travelling experience? Having fruitful career? Reaching out to the souls with lyrical strokes of arts?
Time... There's always a confining limit, and the ultimate limit of all limits is time. But without them, nothing is worth the effort and nothing is of value because there is always later, some day, next time. And with all the different aspects pulling your interest within the constraints of time. The tension is simply exasperating.
A friend (if I can rightly call him that with only days of friendship) mentioned about love-hate relationship, and it got my head spinning all weekend over the 360.. no, more like spherical perspectives of questions. Yes.. just questions with no answers unless I walk that path.
Why not throw all apprehensions in the air and endeavor into the road not taken? Why not nurture the cycle of life to a meaningful being? Why not perform our duties to those that have given so much to us and taken so little? Why not shower those that have adored us with our love and yield to hear the simple heartbeat on his chest? Why not give the best of us in our vocation and lead mankind to higher actualisation? Why not cry our hearts out and let the wind dry our tears? Why not stand tall and bring sunshine to the surrounding beings? Why mingle into the mundane day to day rivalry of existence? Why distant ourselves from the wonders that life presented us? w-h-y-....
No wonder Vincent threw in the towel. Because they never will...

Intelligence or Decadence, Decency vs Luxury

Chicken a la Carte is a short film awarded "The Most Popular" in 56th Berlin International Film Festival. I thank the creator - Ferdinand Dimadura, for reminding me life beyond our material existence. Sounds religious? Sorry, all I wanted to convey was that there should be higher value to our life than just the clothes we carry, the food we eat, the car we drive, the mobile we use, the house we live and so on. Does any of these add values to our living? Does having a teaspoon of caviar gives me energy to lend a hand to help an old lady carry her bags? Does wearing a haute couture watch gives you more time to offer the last place in the lift so that the pregnant lady can take the ride?

A friend sent me another blog over a young professional's life in a cosmopolitan city. It is of course her right to live the life she wants. And that is $1,000 a coat and $20 a piece of sushi. As much as I respect a person's choices in life, I can't help feeling sorry that a person has to find comfort in things that is beyond her. Sometimes people seemed trying very much to live up to a certain status that doesn't seemed to lead anywhere. If she can only find value in the things that she wear, drives or eat, wonder what life means to her. If education only manage to give her those exterior comfort, wonder what is the meaning of intelligence.

But then again, who am I to question what is and isn't meaningful. I am afterall but a grain of sand in the world of sun, wind and sea. How would I know what balance others are bringing.