Dearest papa,
It's only been 4 months, but feels as though you've been gone a long time. Missing someone is so difficult to live by.
I miss you so much. I am glad we managed to spend many happy moments together, but it is so difficult to live through the days and not to be reminded of you, because you formed such big part of my life. Everywhere I turn, there are memories of you and me and the girls. At times when I wish to share my joy or vent my frustrations, I wish you were still here.
But I know leaving may be one of the best release for you. Your loving and trusting heart is too good for the world. I hope you could let go and leave in peace. There may be things you'd planned and looked forward to in life... but since destiny took a turn.. I hope you leave without worries or unfinished business.. Life afterall will never end. It's a cycle that kept going and going. Just as I remembered the most important lesson you taught me : Life must go on!
I will papa.. In my fondest memory and remembrance of you. I will go on living. Live a life that brings meaning to your existence. Happy father's day..
From your ever loving daughter,
Ping
2012
2013... the past years, I have been through deaths, births, gains and losses. I have always pride myself to be a responsible person who takes care of people around me. And I wonder why some people can be so selfish. And yet, they are doing well and being recognised for their achievement, despite hurting others. While I try to help, but in the process, I failed to do my own part well. Let alone helping others. And by failing myself, I lost credibility and ability to help those I cared most.
On 31 Dec 2012, it dawned on me that if I really want to take care of my loved ones, I must take good care of myself.
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ Robert Frost (1874–1963) ~
Source: Courtesy of Mr GC Chong
I was in my car when I heard of the news that another Korean actor committed suicide. I do not know why but whenever I heard or read of a person's demise due to suicide, I felt disturbed all over. I thought I was angry that these people just gave up their life when there are so many others that have to fight so hard just to breath. But another side of me also realise that I felt for them. I am sorry that they did not manage to hold on just a little longer. If they had just grit their teeth and let the minute or the seconds past, things would have been ok. I know because I'd often pass through the darkest hours and live through to see another day to remind myself that there is a purpose for my existence here. If not for myself, then for my closest family, my loved ones. And if I have more strength, I would try to extend my love for those who needed me. Some people say suicide is selfish. Yes because the act left a void and aches in the hearts' of those who loved us. But at times, it is the helplessness, the feeling that they have failed their loved ones that drove them to cross that boundary. The line that's drawn between the 2 extremes is so vague that you might just overstep. And it was at those moments of insanity or sensitivity that we lose the grip of life. That's when the fragile grains of life slip through our fingers... It's hard to choose to live, just as hard for those who choose to leave the living. It's even harder to see the pain of those that they leave behind. For those who might face the same demons at the darkest hours, reflect the faces of your loved ones to draw strength to fight the demons in your heart. For those who lost their loved ones in suicides, please forgive them and understand that there are just times that they themselves were lost and they did not know what they were doing until it was too late. And for those who might have friends or loved ones that are fighting the demons, all you can do is love them and hope that your love will shine through to their hearts. And for the rest of the world, maybe just a little understanding. The world is a harsh place. Life is hard. If you are facing the demons of love and hatred, anger and confusion. Try your best to love yourself. Forgive yourself. And let that feeling flow to others. Forgive them for their harsh ignorance of your fragile soul. Or just let the song Vincent soothe your heartaches, but don't loose the grip. Don Mclean was right to sing that "they don't understand.. and they never will.."
I do not over stressed this enough. Time seriously zooms by, even flying is too slow. And yeah, by the way, I have changed it to Mommy 101 and Mommy's Blues, as I find the blues in me more than her. 10 Events Confirmed You're a Paranoid New Mommy
The first night she is home with me, I rushed out from the room crying that the baby is not breathing in her sleep.
First 2 months, every heave and sigh makes me jump up on my toes peering into the cot to see if she's ok.
Next 2 months, she was given an anklet that rings with every move (not that I could miss even a movement of hers while asleep). I hear the ringing allllllllll......... the time. Day and night.
I dare not walk near window or balcony while carrying her, fearing somehow losing grip of her.
I dare not walk anywhere nearer than 2 metres away from anybody, afraid that they might accidentally knock on her.
The first time she threw up, I was worried sick and called up all relatives and friends to get assurance that it is normal.
When she was having nose block (which is again quite common among babies), I brought her to knock on paediatrician the first thing in the morning to make him convince me that she does not have flu/virus/ear infection.
I'd be hollering across the room if another kid simply raise a finger near her.
When I realise she has some skin discoloration around her neck, again I gave the paediatrician an early visit to confirm that it is not any serious skin disease. Apparently, this is again common among babies (so many things common?).
I fell down once when I was holding her. I bruised my knees and elbows. But I don't remember any pain except in my heart, while busy checking if my baby is hurt anywhere. My hands and legs went cold and shaking, not because of the fall but the shock of almost hurting my baby. It took me some time to cool down and reassured myself that I am still a good mommy.
But none of the above can beat this classic : I remember going into the room one night and she woke up to greet me. I went over to touch her. I raised her right hand but her hand simply drop lifelessly. I picked up and let it drop a few times and her hands simply fell limply. I shouted for Ben and told him her hand is dislocated. Ben ran into the room only to see her sniggering with her right hand waving in the air.
And despite all these, I miss the time I was holding her in my arms. I miss staring at her while she sleeps and the awestruck feeling that this baby came out from my tummy.
Though it is not yet 1 year, there are already so many things gone by that I could not go back to. But I am glad to say that I never miss a thing.
p/s : I am not mental, just hormone imbalance. Anyway, the paranoia subsides with time. At least most of them does go away. The heavy responsibility of a life within my hands is forever etched in my heart.
