Mommy 101 : Taking care of baby is a breeze (time that is...)

I do not over stressed this enough. Time seriously zooms by, even flying is too slow.
And yeah, by the way, I have changed it to Mommy 101 and Mommy's Blues, as I find the blues in me more than her.
10 Events Confirmed You're a Paranoid New Mommy

1. The first night she is home with me, I rushed out from the room crying that the baby is not breathing in her sleep.
2. First 2 months, every heave and sigh makes me jump up on my toes peering into the cot to see if she's ok.
3. Next 2 months, she was given an anklet that rings with every move (not that I could miss even a movement of hers while asleep). I hear the ringing allllllllll......... the time. Day and night.
4. I dare not walk near window or balcony while carrying her, fearing somehow losing grip of her.
5. I dare not walk anywhere nearer than 2 metres away from anybody, afraid that they might accidentally knock on her.
6. The first time she threw up, I was worried sick and called up all relatives and friends to get assurance that it is normal.
7. When she was having nose block (which is again quite common among babies), I brought her to knock on paediatrician the first thing in the morning to make him convince me that she does not have flu/virus/ear infection.
8. I'd be hollering across the room if another kid simply raise a finger near her.
9. When I realise she has some skin discoloration around her neck, again I gave the paediatrician an early visit to confirm that it is not any serious skin disease. Apparently, this is again common among babies (so many things common?).
10. I fell down once when I was holding her. I bruised my knees and elbows. But I don't remember any pain except in my heart, while busy checking if my baby is hurt anywhere. My hands and legs went cold and shaking, not because of the fall but the shock of almost hurting my baby. It took me some time to cool down and reassured myself that I am still a good mommy.

But none of the above can beat this classic : I remember going into the room one night and she woke up to greet me. I went over to touch her. I raised her right hand but her hand simply drop lifelessly. I picked up and let it drop a few times and her hands simply fell limply. I shouted for Ben and told him her hand is dislocated. Ben ran into the room only to see her sniggering with her right hand waving in the air.

And despite all these, I miss the time I was holding her in my arms. I miss staring at her while she sleeps and the awestruck feeling that this baby came out from my tummy.

Though it is not yet 1 year, there are already so many things gone by that I could not go back to. But I am glad to say that I never miss a thing.

p/s : I am not mental, just hormone imbalance. Anyway, the paranoia subsides with time. At least most of them does go away. The heavy responsibility of a life within my hands is forever etched in my heart.

How is this possible?

Mixed feelings? I guess so.. It sounded over-emotional when a fellow participant gave a farewell and thank you speech, but as the time advances, it seems harder to take the next step.

Tomorrow is gonna be a rush and make sure I catch the flight on time. When reach home, first thing was to take my bath (cleanse any possible germs) before hugging my loved ones.

And then, there will be no "me" time until god knows when.

It's kind of sad that I have to go back to all those frenzies and losing opportunities to get in touch with myself. The freedom to do what I want to do and do when I want to do..

But I miss them. Eventhough I know that I will be seeing them tomorrow, it doesn't ease the excruciating yearning for their smell, their laughter, their touch, their voice, their faces...

...love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

~ Gibran~

Source : Courtesy of Mr Chong G. C.

Starry Starry Night...

It's been a long while since I last get time off on my own. Being at a foreign land with all concerns far far away, I found that voice within me again. That tiny little crazy thing that's struggling all the time. Always questioning self, existence, rationales, living and dying. It's not always vocal, while I followed the crowd through the mundane buzzings from one place to another, earning a pittance in search of better comfort for my loved ones.
It's a struggle because I know I am an extremist. I'd love to live a life that's full, but what do I want to fill into this void? Having a loving family? Having wonderful travelling experience? Having fruitful career? Reaching out to the souls with lyrical strokes of arts?
Time... There's always a confining limit, and the ultimate limit of all limits is time. But without them, nothing is worth the effort and nothing is of value because there is always later, some day, next time. And with all the different aspects pulling your interest within the constraints of time. The tension is simply exasperating.
A friend (if I can rightly call him that with only days of friendship) mentioned about love-hate relationship, and it got my head spinning all weekend over the 360.. no, more like spherical perspectives of questions. Yes.. just questions with no answers unless I walk that path.
Why not throw all apprehensions in the air and endeavor into the road not taken? Why not nurture the cycle of life to a meaningful being? Why not perform our duties to those that have given so much to us and taken so little? Why not shower those that have adored us with our love and yield to hear the simple heartbeat on his chest? Why not give the best of us in our vocation and lead mankind to higher actualisation? Why not cry our hearts out and let the wind dry our tears? Why not stand tall and bring sunshine to the surrounding beings? Why mingle into the mundane day to day rivalry of existence? Why distant ourselves from the wonders that life presented us? w-h-y-....
No wonder Vincent threw in the towel. Because they never will...

Intelligence or Decadence, Decency vs Luxury

Chicken a la Carte is a short film awarded "The Most Popular" in 56th Berlin International Film Festival. I thank the creator - Ferdinand Dimadura, for reminding me life beyond our material existence. Sounds religious? Sorry, all I wanted to convey was that there should be higher value to our life than just the clothes we carry, the food we eat, the car we drive, the mobile we use, the house we live and so on. Does any of these add values to our living? Does having a teaspoon of caviar gives me energy to lend a hand to help an old lady carry her bags? Does wearing a haute couture watch gives you more time to offer the last place in the lift so that the pregnant lady can take the ride?

A friend sent me another blog over a young professional's life in a cosmopolitan city. It is of course her right to live the life she wants. And that is $1,000 a coat and $20 a piece of sushi. As much as I respect a person's choices in life, I can't help feeling sorry that a person has to find comfort in things that is beyond her. Sometimes people seemed trying very much to live up to a certain status that doesn't seemed to lead anywhere. If she can only find value in the things that she wear, drives or eat, wonder what life means to her. If education only manage to give her those exterior comfort, wonder what is the meaning of intelligence.

But then again, who am I to question what is and isn't meaningful. I am afterall but a grain of sand in the world of sun, wind and sea. How would I know what balance others are bringing.

To remember me...

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.

When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed.

Let it be called the bed of life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to the teenager who has pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday, a speechless boy would shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

~ Robert N. Test ~

Source : Courtesy of Mr Chong G. C.

Click here if you wish to be a donor

A promise - 10 years late

Mr Chong was my lecturer back when I was in college. I couldn't really appreciate his classes, what with the subject of taxation. I never really got to know him then. I can't even remember how I came to make appointment and had dinner with him after I left college. It was then I discovered his passion for wisdom and sharing. His kindness to me was not something you encounter everyday. He gave me many things. CDs of soothing music, books on living, and most precious of all - his own compilation on words of wisdom. His dream was to be able to share those wisdom with as many people as he can. I remembered telling him, I would love to help. I had initially planned to produce it in words file, and send to him. Then I left for study in overseas. When I came back, I had some personal issues to settle. Then a job, then another job, and another and another. Life just kept moving at a momentum that I myself has lost track of the pace. The thought of not keeping this promise struck me once a while, but new things never failed to crop up and occupied my mind. There is always something new, something interesting, something captivating.
Then I had a baby. The day I held her close to my heart, world around me stopped for a while. I retraced my foot steps and learn to stop and smell the roses again. And this is one of the roses, passed on to me by Mr Chong, that I would like to share it with you:

"Every beauty and greatness in this world is created by a single thought or emotion inside a man" ~ K. Gibran

My little green cocoon

I have recently moved to a new place. No big garden or open space, but tiny little balcony for all my plants. Luckily they managed to fit in to the new place, so I still get to enjoy a little bit of green in the busy city.

I manage to grow a tomato plant. The flowers kept sprouting but no fruit in sight. I finally lost patience and took the plant out, as it is attracting pest like aphids and flies.

And this! My dad bought me a pot of rose from Cameron Highlands. I thought I have no luck in flowering plants, but I guess she likes it here. She has never stop flowering and still going strong even when I was away for a few days without watering. But I did my own research too. Give her lots of water. I practically soak her so that she can stay cool. So for those that thought their hands could never grow anything, follow Edison's motto. Never give up!

This is a plant from a fruit I have brought from Penang. The fruit is called "Pao Teh". The fruit itself is very strongly fragrant but mildly taste. I think it is called pao teh as the aroma reminds you of a good tea experience. Not overpowering but lingering aromatic. It was the fruit that prompted me to attempt planting it. They came out beautifully, but very slowly. Hope it will grow to be a fruitful tree.

Ah.. This is another plant my dad bought me when he was in Cameron Highlands. "Ji Tin Jiu" - sky-pointing chili. I have to harvest it every month as the plant kept growing chilis like there is never tomorrow. For any interested amateur planter, chili is the easiest plant to grow. Just spread some chili seeds in a pot and you can see results in a week or two. Make sure you water them daily and voila. No need to get them from the markets anymore.

Japanese potatoes are so beautiful. The fruit is interesting and the leaves are even more so. I bury the potato into the soil and they sprouted in no time. But becareful not to let them run wild. These plants are so fast, I almost have another escape route via potato plants in the balcony.

This is local sweet potato plants. They are really quick to grow. No wonder people in the olden days eat potatoes to replace precious rice. I was hoping to find new potatoes when I dig them up 2 months later. Alas, it was just potatoes (castles) in the air.